What if your spouse is not your type?

HAVE you ever noticed that when it comes to mate selection, most persons have their preferred types? If you didn't notice, look back at the persons who you have dated or those who you have admired over the years and see if they have similar characteristics. If they do, I would not be surprised.

If you are still not convinced, take your male friends, for instance. You will notice that while some of them admire only curvaceous black women, there are those who would die for the thin browning. A male friend once told me that if a woman doesn't weigh over 200 pounds he is not interested. Yet I have other friends who only go for the pencil-thin, high maintenance Barbie doll types.

I have always encouraged people though, that when choosing their mates, they should select persons from their preferred groups, because to do otherwise could spell trouble. Although love goes deeper than skin, if you overlook your preference, for whatever reason, and choose a type that doesn't suit your fantasy, sooner or later you will find that you are miserable, since your spouse is not your type.

The type issue does not only affect men, it affects women also. There are so many women whose husbands have turned into couch potatoes, yet these men refuse to get rid of their paunches, although they know that they would not stand a chance if their mates had met them that way. I guess men get away with this because some women are not so fussy about the physical. And since women are naturally caring, they will still love and respect their mates regardless of the change in type. Where I see a bigger problem though, is when this happens the other way around. For example, when the man marries a thinner version of you but after a few years he is forced to live with your fluffier version, which is just not his type. This can pose a challenge.

It matters not if the change is caused by baby fat, slower metabolism, ageing or ill-health, the realty is still the same: you are no longer his type. If, for instance, you are no longer his type just because you have gained some pounds in the wrong places, you can do one of two things: either you turn a blind eye and tell him to accept you for who you are and live with the consequences, or you can shed a few pounds.

Remember that it is not only the weight issue that will cause a change in type; it can be a change in your demeanour, spirituality, interests, or just your overall world views. Whatever it is, communicate with each other about the change and make adjustments where necessary. Remember also that this type thing is not a simple matter, for some people it is a very serious thing.

Jacqueline Champier is a counselling psychologist from Mandeville, and a lecturer in the College of Humanities, Behavioural & Social Sciences, Northern Caribbean University